Lambert's Cafe Road trip

May

25

Driving and Eating Throwed Rolls (to memorialize our soldiers)

After a six hour drive through central and southern Illinois, one of the most unfathomably boring places on earth, we arrived at our goal, Lambert’s Cafe, “Home of the Throwed Rolls”. Like all lazy people with a limited number of friends, we heard of Lambert’s and its glutinous glory through the Travel Channel’s “World’s Best Places to Pig Out” where it was crowned THE #1 pig out destination.

I’m happy to report that it lived up to the Travel Channel’s and well worth the trip. In essence, Lambert’s is an uber-version of Cracker Barrel.

Like Cracker Barrel, it’s

-packed full with old, obese people who think that they’re eating at a “really nice place”
-loaded to the gills with mustache-clad men donning t-shirts splattered with food and/or motor oil stains
-more fat people than all seasons of the Biggest Loser combined.

Where it differs from CB,

-they THROW rolls to hungry customers (sometimes missing and hilariously clocking glasses off of old women’s faces)
-the food is vastly superior (and comes in colossal, food coma inducing quantities.)
-Lambert’s isn’t blatantly discriminatory and racist! (huge plus!)

As one of my friends who accompanied me to Lambert’s said, “It’s what Cracker Barrel should be.” And he continued, “Maybe Cracker Barrel should stop focusing on selling all that bullshit in their store and put more effort into their food.”

Maybe they should, although after I eat at Cracker Barrel I do enjoy sucking on a tasteless chunk of Rock Candy while playing a spirited game of over-sized checkers with an 80 year-old woman.

Where the mustachioed people roam
Come inside if you have a stupid looking mustachio and your wife’s body is a temple to twenty years of heavy McDonald’s consumption