Crazy Charlie

In order to pay the bills, I’ve been forced to sporadically participate in focus groups for different services/products. To date, I’ve taste tested scotch, argued about sound effects for AOL, critizized Blockbuster video for an hour and even played a video game. It’s a fascinating experience and a great way to take a behind the scenes look at marketing, plus you get a couple hundred bucks for a couple hours work.

The way the process works is companies tell the testing facility to find people that fit a certain demographic profile. The testing facility then pulls people from a database that match age, sex, income, etc. criteria. However, often times the companies require a more specific demographic, e.g. a 25 year old male who loves using America Online (I lied my way into that group. Is there any 25 year old male who loves using AOL?). In order to meet these specific demographic needs, the testing facility calls each participant directly and quizes them to make sure they “love AOL” or use it “3 times a week”.

My favorite part of the quiz is the end, when they ask you a “articulation question” which basically is to check if you are absolutely unable to express your opinion in words. Here’s the question they gave me:

If you were stranded on a desert island and you could have five things, what would they be?

I ask, “Anything at all?”

He replies, “Yes, anything.”

I think for a second and then reply:

1. A satellite phone to communicate with rescuers
2. A high speed motorboat (to leave the island)
3. Infi-Food
4. Infi-Fresh Water
5. Infi-Cash (for when I get off of the island)

A long silence on the phone.

He says, “Perfect. Thanks.”

WHAT IS THE POINT? If I can answer like that, without thinking the scenario through AT ALL. All it really proved is that I’m a smartass and don’t take the question seriously. Although, in the end, I suppose I did “articulate” my bullshit answer.

Win, win.

Technorati Tags: articulation, focus group, motorboat, infi-cash, infi-food, infi-fresh water, satellite phone, rescuers

Yes.

Technorati Tags: toto, africa, africans

Some things I didn’t know about coffee…

It is absolutely wonderful for you

and

McDonald’s Gourmet Coffee tastes better than Starbucks

Conclusion: McDonald’s Gourmet Coffee is both delicious and wards off diabetes, keeps me losing weight, makes my future children stronger, etc. I should drink it constantly.

Scenario: My friend Matt has, literally, thousands of free McDonald’s iced coffee coupons. This is the perfect scenario to enjoy delicious iced coffees that make me healthier, stronger and cost absolutely nothing, right?

Actual Result: WRONG!

Here’s what really happens:

1. I drink two coffees at 2 am and have night terrors straight until dawn.
2. After a long day of work, I slug down four consecutive coffees and lie in my bathtub, shaking and moaning incoherently.
3. In the middle of the work day, I drink two coffees and spend the rest of the day watching YouTube videos of fat people

The Emp. Factor

As the coffee is hand mixed by McDonald’s employees, the quality of the mix is, at best, wildly inconsistent (digression: why they can’t machine automate this process is beyond me.) Regardless, as they’re free drinks, it’s gotten to the point where if the coffee is a bad mix, we’ll drop kick the bad cup and grab a fresh one.

In summary, it’s wonderful to live in the United States where there’s no wastefulness.

Arresting the Clown Prince of Coffee

Technorati Tags: mcdonald’s iced coffee, mcdonald’s employees, drop kick, U.S. wastefulness

Before seeing 3:10 to Yuma, AMC Theatres treated me to a teaser for a documentary that “journeys into the real world of poltergeists”.

The real world of poltergeists? What kind of oxymoronic nonsense is that?   Does anyone truly believe in ghosts any more?  Do people believe that ghosts are literally haunting locations, playing pranks, spooking people out, avenging their unjust deaths, etc?

If you truly believe in ghosts, you are probably also impressed by the fantastic “in nacho” advertising at AMC:

“Nachordinary”.  How does AMC’s ad agency come up with this stuff?  Are they the smartest people in the world?  Even more so, are they the SMARTEST PEOPLE TO EVER LIVE?”

Yes, they are.

Technorati Tags: nachordinary, amc theatres, ghosts, poltergeists, haunting, 3:10 to Yuma, smartest people to ever live

My father has inadvertantly merged analog and digital. His office manager bought the entire office new phones and his first action was to break out a pen and dump a load of graffiti on his.

Who even thinks of writing on a phone? It’s not something you write on, is it? For most people, it’s fairly straightforward which personal items you should/can write on. Some examples: paper, poster board, a chalk board, maybe even an old t-shirt! Heck, I could be writing this blog on my living room wall or in marker on the side of a toaster…and why don’t I do that? I know! Because IT RUINS THINGS! It might be easier for him but it’s still ruinous to the phone.

I particularly enjoy how the extension is clearly listed on the LCD screen but he felt the need to increase the font size by 12 and font craziness by 15 by writing it directly below the LCD.

Next. I’m going to buy him an iPhone so he can write “TOUCH ANYWHERE HERE” across the screen.

Technorati Tags: dad, work phone, iphone, lcd screen, shining, best of both worlds

Going forward, I’m going to be blogging at least once a day.  AT LEAST

I would like to share a fantastic quote from Walker Texas Ranger :

Chuck Norris, as he sips on a pint of beer, “I wish there was an easy solution for the homeless problem.”

Well put Chuck! That’s the way to solve problems; “wish” them away as you drink a beer. Furthermore, Chuck doesn’t want any difficult solutions, only easy ones. “I want to fix the homeless problem but I don’t want to put too much effort into it. If an easy solution pops up, I can solve the homeless problem sometime this weekend.”

Regardless, he deserves my respect as he’s the only modern thinker who can swing a fierce roundhouse kick into an opponent’s face.

Wikipedia terms this variant of homeless as a “street sleeper”. Why does that get to be a term? Don’t 90% of homeless people sleep on the streets? That’s like calling me one of those “day workers”.

Technorati Tags: homeless, homeless problem, chuck norris, street sleeper, walker texas ranger, roundhouse kick

Slow news day? Is Britney bombing at the MTV music awards not a big enough story?

Apparently that’s the case as the New York Times ran an article today about a parrot dying.  We’re not talking about a local newspaper or the Brookfield Zoo newsletter, nope, the New York Times.

To be fair, the reporter, Benedict Carey,  shapes the story to make it sound like the bird (he has a name but whatever) was a large contributor to the study of human language but in the end…it’s about a bird death.

The article should be about the scientist conducting the studies, Dr. Pepperberg. Here’s the real title, “Dr. Pepperberg’s parrot dies, Dr. Pepperberg buys new parrot.”

It could have been any parrot.  Are we memorializing him because he was randomly purchased in a pet store for a series of studies?  Anyway, forget about that, he’s a bird.  Does anyone even like birds? (besides old ladies)  I can’t stand the dumb little things and quite frankly, they make me sad because they remind me of dinosaurs.   Why are dinosaurs extinct while birds survived to annoy me by pooping on my car?  Did any dinosaurs poop on anyone’s car in the Jurassic Park movies? Nope, because dinosaurs don’t do that.

What’s cooler, a dinosaur roar or a loon moaning all night?  I bet you know the right answer.  Yeah, you do.

My favorite line in the article:  “he died of natural causes” (as opposed to a massive heart attack or having his food poisoned by a rival bird.)

Here’s a link to the full article :

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/10/science/10cnd-parrot.html?ex=1347076800&en=9d76dbd4da092f14&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Technorati Tags: parrot, food poisoning, massive heart attack, dinosaur, poop, New York Times, Britney Spears, Brookfield Zoo

Last night, approx 2:30 am I was waiting for the El.  I was reading the Onion and having some laughs, but none of the articles could equal the 85 year old onion article standing several yards from me. 

First of all, why was an octogenarian waiting for the El at 2:30 in the morning?  That should be illegal.

Anyway, as a typical old person, he was disoriented and complaining to this guy next to him about this and that.  “My oatmeal’s too cold.”  “I can bathe myself. I don’t need your help.”  Those sorts of things.  Eventually he stopped whinging after taking notice of a group of “youngsters” on the other El platform.   They weren’t bothering anyone, probably being a bit loud but nothing remarkable.

The old man observes the youngsters for several minutes and then turns to his friend and states conclusively, as if he’s just solved a crime, “school kids…probably going to the ball.”  CASE CLOSED.

 School kids?  Ball?

What even defines a ”school kid”?  Is that a term that elderly people use for any individual enrolled at an educational institute?  Does a 28 year old getting their PHD qualify as a school kid?

Who goes to a BALL?  What the hell even is a ball in modern times? Did balls even exist back in the 50s when this guy was growing up?  The last time I heard about a “ball” was when I watched Cinderella.  One thing’s for sure, if you can afford to attend any ball, you don’t need to take public transportation. 

 Assuming the “school kids” were actually going to a “ball”…WHO HOSTS A BALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?  Is this Eyes Wide Shut?  What kind of medication do they give old people these days?

Here’s a sketch from the “ball” that the “school kids” hit up after the bars closed.  Katerina Ivonovna accidentally sat on a bag of Doritos on the El and Dmitri misplaced his CTA transit card but the night ended with a gorgeously choreographed waltz that the village will remember for many years to come.

Technorati Tags: ball, school kids, old people, el train, cinderella, oatmeal, el, complaining

I just received a hilarious all staff e-mail…

______________________________________________
From: XXX
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2007
To: All staff
Subject: Has Anyone Seen a One-Armed Aeron Chair?

We are missing an old red Aeron chair with one arm from the 13th floor. Does anyone remember seeing it? Its arm is coming tomorrow but we can’t find the chair. Please let me know if you have any information as to its whereabouts. Thanks.

I’m thinking of replying to it with this:

______________________________________________
From: XXX
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2007
To: XXX
Subject: Re: Has Anyone Seen a One-Armed Aeron Chair?

Yes, I saw a man taking it into the elevator. I was able to snap a quick cell photo of him if that helps…

Technorati Tags: fugitive, fred sykes, aeron chair, one-armed man